A is for……..


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Happy New Year! 

This year I am going to be selfish. Yes, I said it out loud.  It is not within my nature to be a selfish person, it’s the complete opposite of who I am. I loathe selfishness, I detest it. From the moment, I stepped onto this earth I have been taught that selfishness is a bad thing.  As the youngest child of 4, I constantly had to think about other people…..whether I liked it or not. However in this moment, at the start of the new year I realise, I have to be selfish. I have to temporarily rid myself of empathy, of giving so much to other people and just focus on myself and only me.




Because I need to understand and appreciate what I have achieved and the power that I have within me. 


I know it’s a complex simplicity, a contradiction merely because as an Actor people are your craft; your audience your inspiration, your material your reference. As a typical extrovert person, I am energized by being around other people. For the most part I enjoy being around people, working in a team. I like to discuss concepts with people, gain an insight into their minds, their backgrounds their perception of life. I used to think that this was the only way to feed my curiosity, my creative hunger. 


Yet as the days turn into months and the months turn into years, my situation has changed slightly. I no longer have as many human interactions as I would like. I am always working…..as a true workaholic does! Generally, people tend be so focus on living their lives with their partners or their children and only make contact when a bad situation arises, or when they need money… to which I am summoned to play the role of a mother, a sister, a friend, an agony aunt or a bank.


With each interaction, I observe the many cotton threads that are being pulled out of me, one by one. I once was stuff teddy, cuddly warm, loyal and cute but the wear and tear is slowly showing, I get thinner, every time someone takes and takes the cotton stuffing out of me. 


There is only so much giving you can do, before you need step back to recharge. 


Sometimes one just needs to take a moment to be still and do nothing and shake hands with loneliness. Take time out and stop giving and start embracing…. embracing yourself. Acknowledge solitude and welcome it.  


Loneliness is not only just a product of physically being by yourself.  I have felt loneliness with a lover, in friendship groups, in family settings, around people who claim to love me. I used to try to ignore that feeling but now I understand that in my solitude I can root myself. I can take time to relight my vivid imagination by imploring myself in the arts. The serenity I feel when I read a book in silence, attend an art show by myself or watch a film balances the effects of loneliness. I am able to gather my thoughts and soak up the colours, the perceptions, the visuals and the words without the drama of another individual. 


It is in my loneliness that I can honestly check in with myself, I can be vulnerable, tell my story with no qualms and really divulge my talents, my ideas, my thoughts, my strengths. I am able to express myself with no restrictions.


By being selfish I can ensure that my foundation is stable and solid. I can grasp what makes me unique, and how or why I need to keep a part of myself for me and only me.   It’s when you solely celebrate the positive attributes you have that you can step back into the limelight of people. So when the time is right to open the gate to my life and let people back in again, I can give, I can provide support, I can provide loyalty, I can love till my heart hurts, knowing full well that I am a  sturdy cuddly teddy bear, perfectly stitched up with all my stuffing intact. 


@AnniwaaBuachie: I am not a writer, just a blabber, a lady that asks many questions but never knows how to collate the answers. Just a normal lady with nothing more to say, than words that mean nothing but say something.